If you want big brother news, click the above link, and go read The Sun, The Sun is best thing in the world to read, while your on the crapper too, top tip, you won’t find in womans own.

I have had my brush with big brother, the butt of all my general jokes (my mate Nick) once wanted to goto the Big Brother auditions in Manchester, and I wanted to goto the Chinese so I got rickrolled into going.

So We get called into the first stage together, where they call you in, in groups of 10. They ask you to step forward and tell them and everyone else a little about yourself blah-de-blah. So I get called up before him, and I’m like ‘I don’t even wanna be here, that gimp over there conned me into coming by telling me it was an all you can eat chinese, looks more like an all you can eat egofest to me!’, so I proceed to slaughter Nick, he tried to fight back in the same way that plancton fights the blue whale. 

Anyway when it comes to his turn he mentions me so I bite another chunk out him, blah we spend the whole time abusing each other. It gets to the end and they say hold your hand out in front of you and if you get stamped you’re thru to the next round, they walk past Nick and I do a Nelson Muntz “aaargh haaar” laugh, they get to me and slap a dirty great big, big brother eye on my hand, which leads me to verbal pulverise Nick.

More of my shit after the fold…

As everyones walking off, including Nick, I start to walk off too, total lack of interest for being on TV and looking like a cunt. However Nick has other idea’s of selling my story, or rather my story thru his eyes (i.e. rubbish).  So I tells me to go thru and see what happens, so off I trot to the next round, rather unimpressed, that there was some religeous douche bags jabbering on about their god helping them. Back to the big brother team, they do the basic psych eval stuff, ask you questions, blah, then they ask you to go into the diary room and do a diary log about your day thus far.

So I walk into and let rip about everything, before big brother spends 5 minutes telling me to shut up and fuck off, but fails in ways that only Jordan can understand. So I jabber on until I get bored and big brother has fallen asleep in about 5 minutes and then I leave. Back to another dull fucking waiting room, than stank of failed ego’s and wannabe’s, then someone comes and tells you if you get a brown envelope don’t open it until you have left the venue and follow the instructions.

Now out of 10 of 000s of people at stage one, I guess 10s of thousands because they started at 9am, and it was 5pm they finished and the queue was still a good 250 meter long, around 3-4 event halls, at 3pm when we got there, so assuming it was like that all day, would 10-15,000 people ? I don’t know, then 2-3 out of each 10 got thru, and there was 10 lots of 10 done a time, so 25 people a time got thru to Stage 2. So Allowing 20 minutes per 60, means 75 per hour, so  maybe 500-600 people got to stage 2, and of them maybe 150-200 got thru to stage 3, then about 50-75 got brown envelopes. Now some brown envelopes said sorry we liked you but not this time, but we’ll keep you on record, others told you, you was into the next round and would be meeting in X location, and some said you was on the back up list as they liked you blah. I’m not allow to tell you which I got as I signed a NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement), which I have breached by talking about my experience thus far

Anyway All I can say is I Considered my lifestyle and my past and decided I needed to on national tv no less big brother like I needed to jump onto a bicycle with no seat.

I can however say the next time Endomol called they offered me a few things so they clearly like my brand of insanity, I call it ‘stesanity’, but then I call my email, Ste-mail, Ste-bay, Ste-cola, ste-psi-max, I pretty much prefix everything with Ste- just coz I can

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